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Today will be the first time I've gone anywhere since when Leah was here last. I haven't even left the apartment to get the mail. It's been too cold. I've been that weak. I described how I feel to my mom by pointing to the dark kitchen pantry and then flipping the light switch on and off, over and over again. Try living with a brain like that and see how you do.

I'm going to the clinic this morning. Last time we went (yes, WE. I am not ashamed to say, my mom drives me when I'm feeling bad) we got trapped in a drive-through and were stormed by a horde of men looking for work. For real. We got lost (it was a clinic that was in it's own whatever) (it's too early to describe anything and I'm forcing tea into me to try to wake up) on the way there so my mom was trying to turn around, so she pulled into what appeared to be an abandoned fast-food restaurant to turn around, and the circular drive slowly snaked around and suddenly there appeared at least 75 yelling, laughing, hollering men who swarmed the car. My mom and I froze with fear and she couldn't move forward, they were all standing there in front of the car and on each side, shouting things at us but we couldn't understand them because we don't speak Spanish. She honked the horn and slowly pulled forward and then it hit us both: this was NOT an abandoned fast-food place, no, it was the department for Day Labor. I saw it on a sign. I doubled over laughing uncontrollably as my mom managed to get out of there and finally turn around the right way. We were trapped in there. I guess that's where you go when you want help with some odd job. And they thought we were there to look for help. Anyway it was scary but funny. Like my life.

So this time around we googled it and got fresh directions for today. Just in case it's moved. You never know with this place. They have lots of satellite offices and it can get confusing. I fell asleep last night thinking of answers as to why I can't have any more lumbar punctures. I need to have the statement firmly seared into my mind so that when it comes up, I won't give in. I have choices here. I need to remind myself of that.